You Can’t Always Get What You Want

The year was 2005.

I hugged my parents goodbye tearfully, brimming with nerves, wheeling 2 stuffed suitcases that would serve as my only belongings for 5 months.

I was off to study abroad in Australia. 

This was not a bucket list item for me. In fact, though it looked cool, I never intended to travel farther than maybe Europe. Here’s what influenced my big decision:

• My high school boyfriend broke up with me.
  Even though we were ALL wrong for each other and I was ready to break up with him, he beat me to it and sent me into a full-year tailspin of despair. Going to Australia would relieve me from having to hear about him/run into him and also prove I could (in the words of Kelly Clarkson), BREAK AWAY. See ya, loser!
• My roommates are the ones who made this decision. If I stayed back, I’d be paired with some weirdo stranger on campus. No thanks.

Those were my only two factors in making this $10k decision. To be young and privileged!

I had to figure out how to take out a loan, make sure to visit my OBGYN and primary care to get all my shots and birth control pills, and say goodbye to my then-US ONLY SIM card flip phone.

There was also a part of me that knew I was meant to experience more of life, outside my suburban residence near Buffalo, New York.

I traveled 30 hours from Buffalo–>to Chicago–> to LA, then an overnight flight on Quantas (!) to Brisbane, Australia. The land of OZ. Down under. Kangaraoos! 

After catching my usual 30 mins of plane sleep (the flight from LA to Brisbane was 14 hours), my dehydrated, exhausted body had its first of several breakdowns. I started dripping sweat like I never had before. We meandered through the airport and I started to have my first panic attack, but pushed it down. What’s next? 

A 60-minute van excursion to the University of the Sunshine Coast. 

We spent another hour checking into our apartments and dragging our bags to our final destination after that.

I landed in my room. I walked to my phone to call my parents and let them know I had arrived. My phone card would not work.

I LOST MY SHIT.

I broke all the way the fuck down.

What had I done? I was on the other side of the PLANET and all I wanted to do was talk to my mom.

Australia was my first brush with doing something really big that I wasn’t sure I was ready for, dealing with some very big discomfort, and eventually, making the decision to get through it and enjoy the ride.

After a few weeks of crying episodes (like when I saw a music video in my Australian living room of the legendary Goo Goo Dolls’ rain performance outside City Hall in Buffalo), I had the proverbial “shit or get off the pot” moment with my DAD of all people.

My dad is the cool, calm, collected one. He suffered panic attacks of his own, so he understood exactly how I was feeling. 

One afternoon, while crying on the phone to my mom that I missed them and wasn’t sure I could do this, he got on the line and told me to make a decision:

1. Leave early. COME HOME. They’ll fly me back. Deal with the consequences when you arrive (like having to do an entire extra semester of college.)

OR

2. STAY and LIVE. Stop calling home crying because it wasn’t fair to my
mom (I’m sorry, Mom! I was such a dick!)

I chose to stay.

It’s one of the things I’m still most proud of to this day.

I found a way to make it through my deep, deep anxiety, navigate the terrible German roommate I was assigned to live with, get a new apartment with better internet connection and less !cockroaches!, travel around Australia, and experience the most amazing things in life.

After that, I:

-learned to surf (aka learned to survive while being dragged along the ocean floor)

-learned the public bus system

-discovered the late night kebab

-danced with a hot stranger on St. Patrick’s Day at the only Irish pub in town

-switched from sweet wine to the driest Chardonnay as my drink of choice after a bad experience with what the Aussies call “goon”- boxed wine.

-snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef

-fed a kangaroo

-ate kangaroo (I’m sorry! Regrets!!)

-bought a bike to get around town with

-went wine tasting in the mountains

-visited the Steve Irwin Zoo

-(almost) swam with sharks

-made lifelong friends, most of whom ended up being Americans haha whoops

-Lost 30 lbs despite eating mac n cheese and drinking 4-6 times/week Ah to be 20 again!

-Worked on my anxiety and found coping skills

-truly appreciated my home, my country, and my family and friends in a new way

-learned to count on and trust myself

-saw DAVE MATTHEWS BAND perform in Brisbane- their first ever trip, too!

So many things I would have missed had I let fear stop me.

I will never forget the latter part of my time in Oz: lying poolside in the winter sun (still 85 degrees, mind you), listening to “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones and finally understanding.

I wanted to be with my high school boyfriend forever. 

I wanted to stay close to home and not miss out on things going on with my family and friends in Buffalo.

I didn’t want to add more time to my college education (I did end up having to do some summer classes because I dropped a few in Australia!)

If I had stayed home or come home early, I wouldn’t have learned that I’m okay. I’ve got this.

I wouldn’t have gone on to travel the world with an archaeologist, my now-husband, live in another state, and return home to build my family in my beloved hometown. 

I wouldn’t have launched a blog in 2012 called The Daily Sampler– which garnered a gigantic following and helped me hone my craft as a writer.

I wouldn’t have had the guts to start my business, to share my wins and my hardships in order to help others.

I wouldn’t be sitting here on a Thursday, about to record an episode of my own podcast, before going out shopping for the perfect outfit for a swanky party later tonight. 

I wouldn’t have been invited to be a mentor for a deeply impactful program in my community this summer.

Every moment that I lived has brought me to this moment now, especially the moments I chose not to let fear hold me back.

And if you can do that, you’ll find- you get what you need.